that's what he said to me, "27 days is how long I was a daddy."
I had known my neighbor's lost a baby. I had known that she didn't live very long. But, when he said that to me it struck me to the core and I've been haunted by those words for almost a week, now. Mulling them over in my mind...wondering why I can't seem to shake them. Then today- a day where nothing seemed to go right. A day like many of us have from time to time. A day that began @ 5:45 with all the kids waking up (for the 4th day in a row that early), then moved to 3 and 4 potty accidents, a walk to the park that ended abruptly because of a melting down 3 year old and worms on the swings, then to 1 cranky baby- followed by another cranky baby, who got woken up from not just one but both naps by their loud older siblings...all leading up to one crabby momma who just couldn't wait til Daddy came home! Then, I remembered and I thought...what would my day look like if I knew that I only had 27 days with my kids?? Typically the first month that you bring a baby home is the "hardest" to appreciate- they don't sleep when they should, you have to teach them to nurse, you're sore and trying to recover from delivery, but what if I didn't take each one of those days for granted? What if I lived each day like it was my last? My neighbor's little girl was born with spina-bifida, so they knew that their time with her was limited, but my time with my kids may be limited- I don't know. I've never been promised a long and happy life. I've never been told by God that I would see them all grow up. I'm not promised tomorrow, I'm not promised another year, I'm not even promised another hour with any of my children. So, what would my day look like if I lived in that fact?? How differently would I look at before 6 am wake ups if I chose to appreciate the snuggles and the cute little snooze faced children in their jammies stumbling down the steps, instead of grumbling about how I had to put my coffee down, take a kid potty, wipe a butt and miss out on my coffee and "news" time with Korey?!
I think my day would look radically different- my outlook would be drastically improved and I probably would show more grace and patience than I do most days.
I've found that I often have great intentions. I start out strong and then slowly, slowly, slowly am worn down. I've never been super good at follow through. Never been one to just stick it out because it was the right thing to do. I've always known I was lacking in the tenacity that it takes to be great or amazing at anything, because when it gets tough I often take the easy road and just quit. (I usually have really great excuses...I'm like the queen of them) :) It's probably not a great thing to admit that you're one of those "good enough" kind of people, but I'll be honest- I'm totally a "good enough" kind of person. And while I've found that that has served me well in the last year, (it's allowed me to give a lot of stuff up, without loosing my mind. It allowed me to be on bed rest, but not freak out about it too much. It even helped me figure out how to handle life with all 4 of my kids, because with these 4 good enough just has to be good enough) it has some definite draw backs! One of them being that I often start out strong and then sooner or later fall back into my "good enough" approach to life. Usually my days start out well. I read my Bible and the kids Bible at breakfast. We sing and we play. I laugh. I forgive readily. I am patient and kind. I discipline, but am not too harsh. But, then as the day wears on I get worn down. The day in and day out-ness of being a mom wears me down. I feel weary. I feel stretched too thin. I feel like I can never get ahead. I clean up one mess, only to head to another. I break up one fight and move on to another. I've been realizing that my life is going to be like this for a while...for forever, possibly, and my only choice in the matter is to change my own attitude! I need to remember that it is God who brought me here and God who will see me through it! I don't want to settle for a good enough outlook on my life. I want to treat each and every day with my children as the blessing that it truly is! I don't want to forget that each moment is precious, each smile is a gift and each crazy minute can never be replaced or gotten back. Maybe that is why God gave us Bob and Karen as neighbor's, so that I can never look in my backyard and see their house without thinking, "27 days"...
|here's Maelle saying, "HI" :)|