Monday, March 19

I'm not gonna lie...

sometimes the laundry has piled up for so long that I have to put the clean stuff on the freezer, for lack of baskets...
sometimes its easier not to hang out with anyone else or have anyone over
sometimes I get so lonely because I've taken the "easier road"
 sometimes I wish I could be like Hailey and just hole up in some little spot with my blankie and hide from the world...or at least from the 4 kids begging for milk! 
sometimes I let Hailey go poopy all by herself because it's easier- at the time, anyways ;)
 life isn't all cute, twin, hand holding moments where we just blissfully go through life like we're running through a field of wildflowers...
sometimes I wish it were!
 there are times when I wanna throw in the towel, when I wanna give up, times when I say, it's too much, there's too much to do, I can't get ahead so why even try!
when I wanna throw in the towel Korey starts freaking out...and panics!
there are days when getting all 4 kids bathed is all I accomplished all day 
sometimes I feel like that's enough 
sometimes I get frustrated that it has to be enough
the sunshine lifts my spirit
I get tired of always being "different" and sometimes wish I didn't have twins
I hate the fact that my belly still looks like I'm pregnant and no matter how many times I tell myself that it's ok I had twins and I should be proud of the stretchmarks, the mottled skin and the scrunchy parts of my belly that will probably never go back- I hate it! 
I hate my belly because I'm prideful and had always been proud of my skinny self...
it takes me a full 20 minutes, on a good day, to get all 4 of my kids in the car
I bribe my oldest 2 children to sit on the rug by the door with chocolate chips
I let Jackson wear pink sandals because Hailey can help him put them on and I haven't gotten to the store to buy him some boy sandals
Maelle and Maysen find their peace and quiet in the midst of all the chaos. they don't sleep in a bedroom or in a crib, they might sleep in a swing during dinner, on a floor mat during breakfast, in their pack 'n play in the middle of the basement, in their carseats outside, on a bed wherever we are
if the m & m's aren't crying too hard we just leave them wherever they are...
that makes my heart hurt!
 there are evenings when I finish feeding the girls, put them to bed and all I can think about is a shower and I leave the baskets of clean laundry that need to be folded and put away and take a 1/2 hour shower and go to bed!
I am jealous of people that get to nurse their one baby in bed, laying down
there are days when I wish and I pray and I beg that this year of tandem breastfeeding would go by quickly 
there are moments when I want it to last forever...
 there are days when I don't wanna smile, I don't wanna put on a happy face...
 there are days that looking at this smiling face changes that...
there are days when it doesn't!
sometimes I love my job as a mom, sometimes I look forward to getting up each day
sometimes I drag myself out of bed
sometimes even praying and asking God for wisdom seems like too much work
when I do pray God ALWAYS provides!
my babies are almost 4 months old and I am just finally establishing a regular quiet time routine...
that makes me sad...
it makes me giggle that I put "almost 4 months" because I can't even begin to remember how many weeks old they are! 
my life makes me laugh
I hate when people pity me
I like when people laugh with me
I love finding friends that have more kids than I do- or at least close to the same # 
both Korey and I stared and counted the kids a family had that was walking down the road as we drove past the other day (they had 6 and that made us happy) ;)
Hailey still has potty accidents... 
that drives me crazy! 
Jackson is telling me when he went potty in his diaper
the thought of potty training Jack right now scares me to death
sometimes I love my sleep and sneak in an extra 15 minutes instead of getting up and reading my Bible and praying with Korey
I spend the rest of my day feeling guilty about those "wasted" 15 minutes!
I have let satan have a stronghold in my life and make me feel guilty about too much
sometimes I don't act like I think God is big enough to take care of all my kids!
I forget that this is God's plan for my life
I forget to enjoy this plan for my life that God provided for me!! 
despite it all I LOVE this plan for my life and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. 
there's not one of my kids that I would give up 
I'm gonna publish this without reading it over, because I might want to change some of it if I don't!! :)

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