Monday, February 6

I finally did it...

last week was a rough week for me...not really sure why- the week before should have been harder, since it was more high stress, but I think it had something to do with coming off of a stressful week and just not really dealing with it all as it was happening, but for whatever the reason- I was having a rough week! It all came to a "head" on Thursday morning when I finally got back to the gym. All the kids were feeling better, I was feeling better and we just needed a day out of the house. At least I thought that's what we needed- Jackson on the other hand had a different idea about what he thought we needed and that was NOT going anywhere that he had to be separated from his mommy. (he has turned into quite the momma's boy lately- definitely dealing with some separation anxiety and all's quite fun! :)) Anyways, I got all 4 kids out of the car, had a carseat in each hand, Hailey and Jackson were holding hands nicely and Hailey was holding onto my pocket and our walk to the front door was going so well- until Jackson realized where we were going, that is...then, it all broke down! Jack was reduced to tears and fell onto the ground crying and screaming and basically just refused to walk any further towards the doors! As my hands were already filled with babies I did what any good mom would do- I started inching him towards the door with my feet (the only thing that was free and able to do anything). Since we were still quite a ways from the door it was a good thing that an older lady took pity on me, grabbed a carseat and carried a baby into the gym for me. It didn't end there, though...Jack proceeded to almost have a panic attack as we got closer and closer to the daycare place and I ended up just leaving 1 screaming little boy and 1 very upset big sister (who kept repeating, "Jack's not happy, mama, he doesn't want to be here-we go home, now" over and over- as if I needed to be reminded as to what was going on) and 2 sleeping babies and running for the treadmill where my friend Jenie was waiting for me. I no more than got HI out of my mouth before the tears came and for the first time since I brought Maysen and Maelle home I broke down and cried. Unfortunately, once the dam is open it doesn't close so easily...I got home and got the kids into bed and cried even harder, turning into a blubbering mess on the floor of the shower!
I think I cried for all of us...I cried for Hailey because she's such a little girl herself, but she has to be my responsible one. I never wanted to make my oldest feel responsible for her siblings, but, honestly I don't have a choice! I just don't have enough hands. I cried for her because she still wants to be held and cuddled and carried places, but I just can't do it as often as she needs. I cried for her because I have her get herself dressed in the morning, not because she likes it or wants to, but because she has to- I have too many kids to dress to worry about what she's wearing! I cried mostly because she's had to grow up faster than I wanted her to and faster than she wanted to. In a lot of ways, she's still a baby herself and I often forget that and expect too much out of her! 

I cried for Jackson because he is a baby, he doesn't understand. All he wants is his mommy and he still wants to nurse and he still wants to snuggle and be held and some attention, but he often gets the short end of the stick because he's such a good natured little guy. I find myself just making him play on his own, because he's good at it. I find myself saying, "no Jack, get down, mommy's feeding the babies" a lot more often than I'd like and I know that a lot of the tears and the naughtiness are just cries for attention and that breaks my heart! 

I cried for Maysen because I, honestly, feel like I don't get to enjoy her as much as I'd like...on Thursday night I went out to dinner with some friends and took Maysen with me and I realized that it was the first time that I'd really held her and smiled at her and just enjoyed her, all by herself. She's often happier than her sister, so she's often the one that other people get to hold and the one that Korey "picks" at night! :) 

I cried for Maelle because she's a good girl and I worry about her getting labeled the "bad" twin and the crabby one, because she's a little needier than her sister...I cried because she was so sick and seemed so small and vulnerable. I cried for her because she's the baby of our family, the littlest one and I'm never going to get that "baby of the family" feeling from her- it'll always be her and Maysen together! 
To be completely honest, though, I just cried because it's hard! Because I have to rely on other people for everything, because I can't be tough all the time and do it myself, because I want to be the one that can always be there for someone else- I don't want to be the one who has to ask for help or to rely on others so I can do simple tasks! I knew that having four kids so young was going to be hard, I'd anticipated a lot of work and stress and tears, but I had no way of anticipating just how hard it would be to be stuck in my house all day long because even just going anywhere is so much work or being so isolated from my friends because it's too much to do a playdate and even just a lot of work to keep up with them on facebook or by email or phone! I had no idea that having twins would honestly be 4x's the work of a single baby...I hadn't anticipated all the things that I had taken for granted with one baby that I wouldn't be able to do with 2 babies...I had no idea just how long it would take to give 2 babies baths and dress 2 babies and just get anything done with 2 babies in the house. And, I really had no idea how hard it would be to want to sit and play with my older kids when the babies are asleep when I have loads of laundry that needs to be done, bathrooms that need to be cleaned, dishes that need to be washed, dinner that needs to be made, a house that needs to be picked up, floors that need to be swept and vacuumed, but the biggest thing is that I had no idea how hard it would be to nurse 2 babies and then want to touch anyone else for the rest of the day! I know that a lot of these things will get easier as the babies get bigger and we all get more and more used to our new roles in the family, but for now, I'm glad that I finally was able to get the tears out...because, it wasn't long into the shower and my pity party that Maysen and Maelle woke up and were ready to eat and I had to get out, be a mom and do it all without complaining or whining! :) 

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