Wednesday, August 25

I'm having a hard time...


imagining what life is going to be like with this new little one around! I'm feeling a little bit disconnected from him and really am worrying that I might not love him as much as Hailey! I know, in my mind, that that is not going to happen, but my heart is having a hard time following suit! When we learned that we are going to have the baby on Monday- if not before- I was in shock. I mean, I fully expected to be pregnant for at least one more week beyond Monday and never anticipated that this would be my last week with only one child. In fact, until my friend asked me how I was doing and how I was feeling about that fact it didn't really sink in...but...now I can't get it off of my mind! Seriously- this is my last week with only one child!!! How crazy is that??? Even as a little girl I dreamed of being a mommy and when Korey and I got married we both said that we wanted a large family, but I never really pictured myself with more than one baby! Not that I didn't really want more than that- I just didn't know what that would look like. I know that sounds incredibly strange coming from a girl who had 4 siblings, but I just always had a hard time imagining how a parent could love each child exactly the same and have enough love to go around...my parent's did an excellent job of exemplifying this, so I'm not sure why I'm having a hard time getting it, but...nobody said that a pregnant lady's mind had to make sense! :)
I'm hoping and praying that this transition to a family of four would go smoothly- for all of us! But, I know that realistically speaking it is going to be a pretty big transition and I'm already dreading it....I guess not so much dreading it as being fearful of it! I'm so scared that Hailey is going to have a really hard time sharing her mommy time with Jackson; I'm fearful of going through labor again; I'm fearful that I may not be able to handle life as a mommy of two; but mostly I'm just fearful that I won't be able to love both of my babies the same!
I'm glad that I wrote this, because just as I was writing it a verse came to my mind Romans 8:37 says that, "in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us"! And that is what I'm going to cling to...I am a conqueror- no matter what my circumstance or my fears- through Jesus Christ, because He loves me and all of the circumstances that come into my life are filtered through His loving hands! Thank you, dear Jesus, for taking my fears and turning them into something that can glorify you! Please give me the strength to glorify and honor You through this new adventure in my life!

1 comment:

  1. I TOTALLY understand the sentiments in this post...I felt that way before I had Zander, and I am still struggling with those thoughts. I love both my boys, but it is so hard to feel like they are both getting the love and attention they need. It is a shock having him come early, because, like you said, I expect to be pregnant (and mom of one) just a little bit longer. I like the verse - that's really helpful to think about.

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