Thursday, August 11

in mourning??!!

don't worry no one one, but my hopes, dreams, and ambitions- that is!

I know it seems like a very selfish and ungrateful thing for a mommy of two and soon to be four amazing children to be doing- but, just in case anyone else is struggling with this, today, also, I'll go ahead and admit for all of us that I'm mourning!

Tomorrow I will be 22 weeks and from the looks of this photo I am having a normal, run of the mill pregnancy and will deliver a normal, run of the mill child (if there really is such a thing)...but, sometimes photos can be misleading. If there is anything that this pregnancy is not- it's normal!

I think my "mourning" began the day I began to suspect that I was pregnant with baby #3...I know that there are women out there who would give 1/2 their arm or leg to find out their pregnant- even pregnant with baby #3, but for me it wasn't a happy or joyous time- it was heartbreaking. It was the first step in my mourning process. In the last 5 months I have mourned many more things and always felt guilty over each one, but today I've decided to embrace it- to share a few of them with you all and maybe by doing that I can say goodbye to each one and move on to celebrating the blessings more easily!!

I've definitely had to mourn the loss of a happy, enjoyable pregnancy. I so loved being pregnant (as soon as the sickness subsided) with both of my other kids and I always felt like I looked better and felt better when I was pregnant, but this time I just feel uncomfortable, scared, nervous, big and frumpy!! I'm putting on a lot more weight than I did with either of the other two, I'm having to curb my activities WAY more than I did with the other two (considering I never did curb them with the other two), and I'm having a harder time bonding with these two, in utero, than I did with either Hailey or Jackson. I find myself calling them the girls or the twins a lot more often than Maysen and Maelle and I'm not even sure why...

The second thing that I've had to mourn the loss of is of my friendships. Yes, there have been people who have stopped talking to me because we're pregnant with twins and yes, that does hurt, but it's the lost in the busyness of life loss that I'm mostly mourning. There are friends that I've just been too busy to connect with or too tired to connect with and I know that it's only going to get worse. It's painful to have to say "goodbye" or "see you later" to people and relationships that I love and cherish, but I know that there is going to be no possible way to keep up with all of my friends when I'm running on zero hours of sleep and have four cranky kids to deal with! And I know that life will essentially move on for all of my friends, they'll all still be able to do playdates and get togethers and plan baby showers and teach sunday school and all those things that I've enjoyed doing with them, but I will be out of comission for a while and that's hard to think about.

The third thing that I've had to mourn is the loss of my freedom- that basically goes along with the first two, but on a different level! I'm having a hard time with the knowlege that I'm going to have to have help, I'm going to probably need some bed rest and some downtime away from Hailey and Jack and I'm going to need to give up any thoughts or desires that I've had for even having a normal quiet time in the years to come! (not to mention showers...shaving my legs...all that stuff that seems meaningless, unless you can't have) :) Today I met with a friend to talk about her watching Hailey and Jackson if/when I need some "rest" and after she left I wondered what my hesitations were with it...and, I realized it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me! I don't want to admit that I can't handle my kids myself. I don't want to admit that I won't be able to go grocery shopping and make meals for my family. I don't want to admit that climbing the stairs and hoisting my son into and out of his crib is going to be a huge drain on my energy and painful, not to mention, possibly harmful for the girls in my belly. I don't even want to admit that I'm going to be in desperate need of help when Maysen and Maelle are born- I just want to be super woman and be able to figure it all out.

Another thing that I'm really having a hard time mourning the loss of is bringing home just one sweet little newborn! Planned for child or not, each mom dreams of bringing home her sweet little bundle, rocking it to sleep, nursing it while gazing lovingly at it's beautifully formed and cherub like face (even if the only time you get to look at it peacefully is those middle of the night feedings, they become even more special and sweet), but I will not get to do those things! I will have two little cherubs jockeying for position, wanting to eat at the same time, wanting to be rocked, held, and comforted at the same time...not to mention 2 other young ones needing time and attention, also! I won't even get to enjoy those middle of the night feedings, becausel I will always have two of them there- I don't know how long it will even be before I'll be able to feed them on my own, without someone helping me! Even as I write this tears are forming in my eyes, because I already feel guilty for the "loss" of bonding that I'll get to do with each of my girls. I want to be able to spend the same amount of time with them that I did with Hailey and Jackson and have those same sweet memories, but I wonder if that will ever happen...and, even if it does I'm sure it won't be in those first few sweetest months.

One of the biggest losses that I've had to mourn (and am still mourning...) is the loss of normalness. (hahaha...I know you're laughing at the mere thought of us being a normal family) :) I feel like there's not going to be anyone that we can relate to anymore- we're always going to be in a class of our own. There's not anyone else that I know of that could really use a quadruple stroller, I've never even met anyone else who has a need for a triple stroller. We're the only family I've heard of who can say that they have 4 kids under the age of 2- actually, we're the first in our small group of friends who will have 4 kids- period. I don't even really know of that many people who have twins and that is a rather lonely experience- we don't have a ton of people to ask advice from, we don't really know what to expect- it's all just a little scary and really intimidating!

I guess what I'm really having to mourn the loss of is ME! And, if you think about it- that's not necessarily a bad thing. There are many things about my old nature/my sinful nature that I don't even necessarily like and definitely won't even miss if God decides to use these losses to weed them out, but there are a few things that I do think I will miss---my mind and the ability to string more than three words together to make a complete thought is definitely one of them---so, I apologize if this post was really disjointed and jumbled. Bear with me and in about 18 years I may have my mind back in working order! :)

In all seriousness, I do think that there are legitimate things that I will miss as my life gets crazier and we add more children to it and I do think that it will just take time for me (and for Korey) to mourn those losses and move on! So, if we seem particularly down one day, please bear with us- encourage us, pick us back up, dust us off and set us back on the right track. We will thank you for it! :) And I know that God will bless you for it.

Thanks for praying for us!! On a brighter note...according to our doctor we are only 2 weeks away from very viable life(90% survival rate if born after 24 weeks)!! (and everything looks good, so, Lord willing, we're still about 15 weeks away from meeting these little girls)

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