Today we are about 107 days away from meeting Maysen and Maelle and as I read Psalm 107 today I couldn't help thinking about God's faithfulness and goodness to me. And, as I thought about I that I couldn't help but think about what I would say to my "earlier" self- the self that was praying and wishing and hoping and begging God for a baby...so, today you get a glimpse of what I would say to myself, 4 years ago!
My dear...life may seem rough and hard and horrible right now. God may seem far away. I know it seems like He's not listening or caring about your feelings and wishes and desires. I know it hurts to see mom's in the grocery store, to hear mom's talk about their kids on facebook, to watch your friends interact with their kids and even complain about sleepless nights, nursing problems, potty training and irrational two year olds. I know you struggle somedays with feeling pangs of jealousy and wondering, "why not me, too". I know you feel left out when they all have things to talk about, but remember that God hasn't forsaken you. He has great plans for you, too. His time just doesn't always coincide with your timing. Instead of whining and complaining and crying, spend your time wisely- search the scriptures, memorize verses, pour over good christian books- sleep in on the weekends! Go for walks with your dog, take your husband out on a spontaneous fishing date- learn how to duck hunt, take hunters safety so that you can sit in the deer stand this fall with him. Take every opportunity that you can to just sit and watch him work, because there will be a day that you will cry as you rock your babies and wonder when you will ever get to hang out with your husband again.
Babysit your friends kids- spend an afternoon at their house with them watching them and helping them out- one day you will be glad that you did! (and they will appreciate it, now) Start a "hope" chest- put God in it first and then your baby clothes and toys and blankets. Don't stop remembering that God is good and that His goodness reigns over all. Don't give in to the temptation to be jealous and angry- give that to God each day, each hour, each moment if you have to- just give it to Him and let it go!!
Remember these verses:
Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever. Oh, that man would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, And for His wonderful works to the children of men! For He satisfies the longing sould, and fills the hungry soul with goodness. whoever is wise will oveserve these things, and they will understand the lovingkindness of the Lord.
Psalm 107:1, 8,9, 43
memorize them and implant them on your heart- there will come a day where you will need the reminder even more than you do today! Take this time, without children, and without huge responsibilities to develop an attitude of thankfulness- find it in the everyday life! Continually strive to thank God for the "seemingly" little things in life today. Do not forget God's goodness and faithfulness throughout the generations- He will be faithful to you, also. Your heart will be filled to overflowing and your longing soul will be satisfied- God promises us that! It doesn't seem loving to make you wait for your family, but it is. God's timing is better than your timing and He has His reasons for making you wait.
Just remember that this is a stage- you will have your family, you will be granted your heart's desire- just wait patiently on the Lord and for His timing. Don't try to rush things and step out of God's will, seek Him every step of the way and with Korey walk the path that is marked out for the two of you. Children are a gift and you will be granted that gift- in God's time. You need this time to prepare, to get your house ready, to get your mind and heart ready. I know it doesn't seem like it today, but someday you will look back at this time and think how quickly it passed.
Good thing that what I know now can still be applied to me (and you) today...are you giving thanks to the Lord for His goodness?? I know that even in the middle of huge blessing and knowing that God has filled up the longing of my heart I forget to thank Him for His goodness and I forget to observe all the ways that He has been faithful to me.