Sunday, October 2

"I'm sorry"

One of the things that I truly appreciated about my Dad was that he was always willing and "able" to say "I'm sorry" to whoever he wronged- even if it was one of us kids! And, I have never been more thankful for his great example than, now, when I have a little girl of my own who I find myself saying, "I'm sorry" to more often than I would like to have to!

You see...there's something special and crazy about mine and Hailey's relationship- I swear that she and Korey just had this instant bond and since the day she was born he loved her and has never really looked back. For me, it's a whole different story- even though I fell in love with her the instant I felt her tiny little fuzzy head, my "like" of her definitely has it's days! I tend to get more frustrated with her than Korey does, I find myself being short with her and cross with her more often than I'd like, and if there was ever a kid that was going to drive me to drink- it would definitely be Hailey!!

Obviously, like every parent- I have my good days and bad days and there are times when I just cherish and enjoy this little girl more than I could ever have imagined I would enjoy a kid, but this pregnancy has been rather hard on me, lately, and I've been finding that those days keep getting fewer and fewer...much to my chagrin! :(

I think the Holy Spirit has really been tugging at my heart about this a lot, lately, and like usual- I'm a little hard headed, but this morning in church I felt a punch to the chest that was unmistakedly the Lord telling me that it wasn't Hailey that needed to change, or needed better discipline, or was the problem- it was her mother! It broke my heart in half and I almost sobbed, right there on the spot. I always thought that loving our kids would come easy and that the "mother instinct" would take over and I would be forever after consumed with incredible patience and wisdom when it came to raising kids, but I have found that that just isn't true! Not only was my love for Jackson not even close to instant, but I do not have incredible patience or wisdom when it comes to either of my kids! I get irritated about things that don't matter, I loose my temper, and I find myself raising my voice and, yes, even sometimes yelling at Hailey! All those things that I never wanted to do- I find myself doing!

So, all this to say, that today, I got in the car after church, turned to my little girl and through my tears apologized for loosing my temper and getting frustrated with her on our way to church that morning, and Hailey, being the sweet, precious little girl that she is said to me, "Hailey love you mama- you ok? Don't be sad- here have Hailey's blankie- you snuggle and not be sad"! How can you not love that little girl? Despite all my frustrations with her, I have to admit that she has the sweetest heart and really, truly does have a heart that wants to please me and the Lord. It's amazing how she transforms when I tell her that her attitude isn't making Jesus happy- I just often am too tired and too weary to do the right thing in my parenting- so, instead, I revert back to the wrong thing, thus making it harder and more frustrating on all of us! And, for that I need not to ask Hailey's forgiveness, but God's, because it is to Him that I am sinning against when I let my selfish, tired self take over- instead of doing what I know to be true and right!

So, now that I shared this with all of you- feel free to keep me accountable! Ask me how I'm doing with my little girl (and I'm sure her little brother will be at that age before I know it and needing some discipline of his own...) and discipline! Ask me if I've spent quality time in the word and in prayer for my little ones- ask whatever questions you want, because I don't want to stay in this same place! I want to grow and mature in my walk with the Lord and become a better mom- apparently I just need a little bit more "nudging" than the rest of the mom's out there do! :)

1 comment:

  1. are so transparent and honest in this posting. Only a maturing Christian would be under such conviction as you are right now. Remember, "He Who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it." With the Lord's help, and your obvious dependence upon Him for it, you will become the mother you desire to be. I think you are already an amazing mother....and wife....and friend to so many, and I respect you for admitting so openly your feelings of disappointment with yourself. All mothers have been in your shoes....and that is why all of us are so thankful for and dependent upon the grace and mercy of God. Have a great week, precious Jenni.....I love you...and so do the adorable children the Lord has chosen you to mother!!