A few months ago Korey and I made a pretty hard decision that resulted in a big change for our family...we switched churches. We both have a love for our little town and wanted to be able to reach out more and be involved more, closer to home. We wanted our kids to go to school with kids they go to church with. Still it was hard to leave.
The church we had been going to "grew us up", they prayed for us, they discipled us, they befriended us, they encouraged us, they brought us meals, they taught us how to be a godly married couple, they taught us how to be parents. We learned so much there, grew so much there. All my dearest friends are still there. All the girls that shared my pregnancies- planned my baby showers, held my babies, visited me in the hospital. All my closest confidants go to that church- they are the women I love most in the world, outside my family. I can't even think about all we've gone through with the girls at this church- all the tears shed, all the hugs shared- without crying. I feel like they are sisters- we didn't have a perfect relationship or perfect bonds- we even had or little squabbles, but at the end of the day, when the chips were down I knew there was a group of girls that had my back and they knew I had theirs. I know that won't change. I know if our family were to experience a crisis tomorrow they'd still be there- I know that if they experience a crisis tomorrow I'll be there, but it's in the weekly routines of Sunday that I'll miss them.
It's hard to go to church on a Sunday morning and not feel "at home" or like you belong. It's lonely to walk in and walk out without seeing a familiar face or sharing a hug. Our new church is friendly and loving- they're a great fit for us, but we haven't been there long enough to feel at home or like I belong there. We're starting to see some familiar faces and our kids have no problems running around like they own the place, but I feel myself kind of holding back. I think I'm scared and I'm nervous. It was really hardest for me to leave, because I felt like I was known at our church. The people there knew me before I was whatever I am now...
a frazzled mom,
a girl who barely gets clean clothes on, let alone showers before church,
mom of four crazy wild children,
girl who worries about a babysitter ever wanting to come back,
a messy house keeper...
all these things seem to define my life, now, but I feel a huge pull to explain that I was at one time somebody else- to tell them that I wasn't always falling apart. But I think that's part of God's gracious plan for my life- He likes to keep me humbly dependent on Him and it's easier to be humble and dependent when I'm struggling with the desire to be perceived a certain way. Because, the reality is- I was always falling apart, I never had a good handle on my life- it just looked better on the outside, before. God knows that my heart and my relationship with Him has only changed for the better, since my outward life fell apart.
I will always love and appreciate our old church. It makes me sad to think of loosing touch with my friends and I'm sure I will look for excuses to do bible studies and hang out there. I know that transitions are hard and change isn't one of my favorite things, in fact, I don't always handle it too well- believe it or not. :) But, I'm excited for God's plan to play out for our little family.