growing twins...

...is a lot more work than I'd imagined it to be!

Not that I really had spent much of my life imagining what carrying twins would be like, but in case you have-

it's double the exhaustion (or maybe that's just having Hailey and Jackson this time, as opposed to just Hailey and then just work)

it's double the morning sickness (or afternoon, or evening, or nighttime sickness)

it's double the belly

(here's me this morning- only 14 weeks 1 day and already sporting a little belly)

but, most of all

it's double the stress of carrying just one baby!

I've never been a worrier by nature and I've generally left all the worrying up to my husband, because that seems to be a vice that he enjoys- ok maybe not enjoys, but he's always been the worrier in our family- up until now, that is!

I think I've always sort of "skipped" over or skimmed accross the sections of the Bible that talk about worrying and God taking care of us- or read them thinking- "yes, what a good thing for us to do," but never have I really come accross something in my life that was completely and utterly out of my control- like this pregnancy is! Even when we were trying to get pregnant and it seemed like a hopeless situation I always had a "backup" plan of adopting or foster parenting- I just knew I was gonna be a mommy one way or the other.

But, there's something very debilitating for me about carrying these babies. I know that I can do whatever I can, I can take breaks, I can gain all the weight they recommend, I could go on complete bedrest starting now, but there are no gaurantees that these babies are gonna make it. (yikes-I can't believe that I finally said it outloud...) It's not even that I've always wanted twins or that I'm even really that excited or that I'm dying to meet my little ones, it's just that I can't imagine life without them, anymore! I'm almost afraid to buy anything for them or to talk to too many people about them because I just have this nagging voice in the back of my head saying, "what if neither of them make it...what if one makes it and the other one doesn't...what will you do then??" In my heart I know that there are no gaurantees, ever, when you're pregnant and that any baby who makes it alive into the world could suffer problems, could die in their sleep and that at any moment my life, Korey's life, Hailey's life and Jackson's life could end, but it seems so much more real and threatening where these babies are concerned.
I know in my heart of hearts that stress and worry have no place in the christian walk and that as believers we should not waste any of our time worrying about tomorrow, when we know the one who holds all of the tomorrow's in our hand, but it's so much easier to just say that outloud than to really believe it and to live it!
So, God, in His great mercy led me to these verses in Isaiah this morning:

(I was actually looking up verses on the friendship of the Lord and just "happened" to be drawn to these verses instead) :)

You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, And called from its farthest regions, And said to you, "You are my servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strenghten you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my right hand." (Isaiah 41:9,10)

I am clinging to these verses and when an ounce of panic steps into my heart or I find my thoughts going towards worry or stress, I pull my card out of my pocket and remind myself, again, that God will take care of me- that no matter what happens to my babies or me (even when I do end up bringing them both home I know I'll need these verses again and again in the days to come) that He will uphold me and give me the strength to carry on! But, mostly I can cling to the fact that God chose me to be the mother of these twins and if all i get to do is carry them, that's more of a blessing than He has given many people- carrying twins is a great and mighty calling and I am blessed and honored that He gave me this job! My only prayer is that I can do it well and honor and glorify Him in the process.

If you could pray that along with me, I would be incredibly grateful!

I know I will need all the prayer I can, as my spirit is often willing, but my flesh is weak!