It all started a few weeks ago when I started feeling overwhelmed and exhausted with life...just basically worn out from all of the running and cleaning and pressure that I've put on myself lately. I blamed it on the pregnancy, Hailey getting more and more active or getting more teeth, but in reality it was me the whole time! Then, last night, as I left a dear friends house I realized how nice it was to be there. They are so real and don't put on a huge front, like I feel like I do most of the time and that is a refreshing person to be around. As I talked with her this afternoon I was really struck with how often we all feel like we have to be somebody else, or keep up with someone else, when really we need to focusing on more important and worthwhile things. It was nice to hear another mom struggle with this. It's so easy to think that I'm the only one who just can't do it or just can't keep up the pace, anymore, so it was a refreshing change to hear from someone else who is trying to stop that trend and start doing and living for the things that are important!
Recently I finished reading a book called, "Calm my anxious Heart" and one of the exercises that the author asked us to complete was to think about what kind of woman we would like to be in 10 years and pick a verse that reflects that. As hard as it is to believe I didn't pick a verse that had anything to do with keeping a clean house or raising the perfect and well rounded child or having an amazing and wonderful relationship with my husband. As worthwhile as those seem, they aren't what I want to be spending my time working towards. I picked Colossians 3:17, "And, whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him!" I know that this could reflect keeping my house clean, working on parenting Hailey and keeping my marriage in good repair, but I believe that it means so much more than that- it means living my life completely and utterly sold out for Jesus. Living and breathing each day as a woman who cares more about what her Lord thinks of her than what her friends may think of her. I spend so much of my time "anxiously" running around and trying to put on this front that I have it all together, that hailey is so well behaved and that Korey and I have the perfect marriage- when in reality none of it is true! I don't have it all together, I spend more of my day trying to remember what I was doing just minutes before, I have to give myself a pep talk just to get the ambition to clean the bathroom (and there are some days that I just don't), I cry for no reason, I don't always put on makeup until right before Korey comes home, I take naps when Hailey does...and the list could go on and on! Haile isn't the perfect child, either- I hold her way more than I probably should, she cries for no reason, she doesn't always take the best naps, she enjoys ripping out all of the cupboards, she throws her food on the floor...and a whole bunch of other things that should drive mom's crazy. And, korey and I don't have the most amazing marriage on the planet earth- we fight about things that don't make sense, we go on dates that last only an hour ;), we spend a lot of our nights just sitting in bed and watching tv together, we'd rather work together than sit and chat about life. And my dog sheds all over the house...she sleeps on our bed, she drinks out of the toilet and she's down right annoying sometimes! I know that not a ton of these things are awful or life threatening, and that's what's so weird about my anxiousness- it is very unfounded! I wonder when I'll learn how silly "hiding" all of this is...I don't think that it matters to God if I spend most of my day without makeup or with dog hair all over my clothing, so why do I think that it matters to my friends or let it matter to me?? So, Korey and I have decided, that for our family, being real and being who we are is more important to us than being who we want to be or being who we think people want or expect us to be! From now on I'm going to try and learn that everything I do, whether in word or in deed, is going to be for God's glory. I want to be a woman who in all I do and in all I say lives for and to the glory of God. I'm going to spend more of my time working on that and less of my time working on making myself look like the woman I'm not! So, if you come to my house you might see dog hair on the floor, our laundry might not be done and the bathroom might not be the cleanest, but I will be spending my time doing what God thinks is important!
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