3 laundry baskets full of clean, unfolded clothes,
an overflowing basket of dirty clothes
the leftovers of last nights bedtime snack smeared on the table
half empty bottles of water sitting on the counter
beach towels on the backs of every chair in the dining room
still wet swimming suits lining the railing on the deck
an empty box for legos...no clue where the legos even are
random shoes perched precariously on the edge of the coffee table
throw pillows and blankets strewn about the living room
our little prayer sticks dumped out and hiding under the dining room table
dirt sticking to the bottoms of my feet, because the floor hasn't been swept lately
toilets that are in need of some serious attention from cleaning agents
a sink full of dirty dishes that I just didn't get to before bed...
all of it seems so overwhelming...all of it speaks to me and says "you're a failure".
but, what's even worse is that all of it is still sitting there because last night was a rough night putting the kids to bed.
we went swimming and got home a bit late. the kids were hungry so I rushed them through a snack (at which point they were already well beyond tired) and tried to herd them off to bed...naturally they resisted. needless to say, it all culminated with a momma in tears and 3 of her 4 kiddos in tears as well. (thank God for Elli, who just seems un-phased by it all and was content to lay in her bed singing and playing with her kitty doll while the world fell apart)
I had given the last bit of myself and could not seem to find any bit left to give...that speaks to me and says "you're a failure."
it's so easy to feel overwhelmed and in need of a break as a momma. it's especially easy when life seems to be going so well and then "bam" out of nowhere a bad day, week, month strikes. it's so easy to blame myself. to immediately go into "bad mom" mode and feel down and like a failure.
it's not always so easy to go to the source of my strength and get myself a little "fill up" when I feel like a failure.
In the bible study I'm doing (am I messing up my kids, by Lysa Terkeurst), she talks about how much we are loved by God. I was so struck by a verse that we've probably all read over and over again and one that I know I've sang as a kid-
1 John 3:1a
Behold what manner of love the Father has given unto us. That we should be called children of God.
It's so refreshing, so encouraging, so uplifting for my spirit to read that this morning. To be encouraged in the fact that I may look like a failure. I may feel like a failure. I may even be a failure, in my own eyes, but that's not what God sees.
I am a beloved child of God. I was worth dying for- even in that terrible moment when my kids were crying, because I was harsh with them- Jesus saw me as worth dying a terrible death for. and not only worth dying for- worth adopting into His very own family. My dear friend just adopted her third baby and to see the amount of love and joy she has for that child- immediately upon birth is just a beautiful reminder of how I am viewed by God. I am His daughter- a daughter of the King. And as much as I love these precious ones- God loves me more- with a more perfect love!
I thank you, God, for your righteousness that covers me. I know how sinful, how ugly and how hard my own heart is- but you don't dwell on that, because Jesus covers me. Jesus' love is what keeps me going. The fact that He loved me perfectly in spite of my sin is awe inspiring. I am perfectly loved by you. You over me with Your precious and perfect sinless self, so that I can be defined as a child of God- not as an un-worthy, weary, beat up sinner!