Tonight, as I held my boy close and the reality that, barring a miracle, his beloved kitty- trucky- wasn't coming back sank in and he cried I realized how hard this parenting thing is. It's not the things that you can control that are hardest- it's the things you can't fix- the kitties you can't bring home, the hearts you can't fix that make this journey brutal. It was the words he uttered next, that really got me- "mommy, why did Jesus bring back Ariel when she ran away and not trucky?" Oooh, that one guts below the belt. That one struck me at the core- because the truth is- hailey didn't love Ariel like jack loved trucky. Ariel wasn't the nicest kitty, that was trucky. Ariel's not even as good at catching mice as trucky. By all human standards- It would have made more sense to have Ariel disappear, but it was trucky that did. I know it's just a kitty and a little boy- but his question resonated with my heart, because it's one I've asked many times myself- why me, God? Why did you answer her prayer and not mine? Why does she get that and not me? It's the "God, are you fair" question. And, I was so thankful that I'm in the middle of a bible study wrestling with these questions, because tonight I could hold my boy, stroke his face and say "I don't know, buddy. Nobody knows that but God. It's not our job to try and figure our why- it's our job to trust that God loves us and has our best and everyone else's best, in mind. We don't know if another little boy needed trucky more than you. We don't know if hailey needed to see God answer prayers so vibrantly to have her heart touched. We don't know if God is just asking us to trust in this hard time or if He'll let us in on His reason someday. All we know is that God loves us. He loves trucky- He knows where trucky is- and we can trust Him to take care of us and hold us when we feel sad". As my sweet boy drifted off to sleep it did my heart good to remember that God isn't fair, because if He were I deserve eternal punishment and separation from Him- not all these good and precious blessings He has heaped upon me. I can't assume that God should be fair, but I can know that He will always be just, loving and gracious towards me! My God not deal with me as I deserve, but through His mercy may I get just what I need to keep me fully dependent on Him!